I Must Not Fall In Love
by thebestIcan
Summary: Kenshin struggles to keep from falling apart as he waits for Sano to return. Set at the end of the manga, shounen ai, hints of lemon, SanoxKen with onesided KenxKaoru and hints of KenxTomoe in the past.


Wow, this took me all day to write! I feel triumphant!

Okay, so I was waiting for my boyfriend to call me last night, and I was chatting online with Kenshin's Soul about going to the local con as Sanosuke and Kenshin. Since my boyfriend is my Sano, I was wondering what Kenshin would feel while waiting for him and this sort of just popped into my mind. I had to write it down and post it.

I dedicate this to Kenshin's Soul, a fellow SanoxKen fan and the first reader of my first ever fanfiction, which just happened to be a SanoxKen fiction! Thanks for the support, love! I hope this tides you over until I update my other fictions! Enjoy!

Warnings: Angst, hints of lemon, shounen ai, main pairing is SanoxKen with one sided KenxKaoru and hints of KenxTomoe in the past. Set at the end of the manga. Kenshin's POV.

Disclaimer: Roses are red, violets are blue. Sano and Kenshin aren't mine, so please Watsuki, don't sue!

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I Must Not Fall In Love

_I will not fall in love._

_I will not fall in love._

_I will not fall in love._

Those six words were ones that I had repeated to myself since the day that my dear Tomoe passed on. The pain had been fresh and all I could think of was her. Besides, it seemed inappropriate to love someone after dirtying my hands with the blood of the woman who saved me. It had been easy for the first twelve years. Two years of battle meant seeing things that could never resemble anything remotely romantic, and I'd never spent enough time in one town afterwards to let such feelings build. That's right, it had been easy!

And then I stopped at a small dojo in Tokyo, and met a ruffian street-fighter with messy hair and a cheeky grin. Things began to… change.

How was I supposed to know what those glances across the dinner table meant? How was I supposed to know why those slight brushings when passing in the hall made my cheeks flush? It had been so different from what it had been like with Tomoe, and with us both being men I assumed nothing of the sort. We just continued with our glances and brushings and went on with daily life.

_I can not fall in love._

_I can not fall in love._

_I can not fall in love._

"Kenshin, why haven't you married the Missy yet?"

The question makes me tip over one of the bottles of sake we had managed to polish off that night, startled by the sudden leap to a serious conversation. Your cheeks were flushed and you were leaning your chin on your arms as you looked up at me. I doubted that you would even remember my answer in the morning. But your eyes, they were so clear and piercing as you stared up at me that I felt compelled to answer anyway.

"I just… don't love her that way. And she's half my age. It would be like marrying a little sister."

I turned the tipped over bottle upright and stare at it a moment, if only to take my mind off the fact that you are watching me. You sit up and stretch your arms above your head, giving a slight shrug.

"She loves you that way."

"You think I don't know that!?"

I regret my snippy remark the moment it's passed my lips and mutter an apology; you give me a hard look that makes me look down at the tatami mat in shame. I hear the slight trickle of liquid and look up to find you are pouring me yet another cup of sake, sliding it across the table towards me. You fold your arms on the table and rest your chin again, letting your eyes fall closed. I pick up the cup and take a sip.

"Besides… I've got my eye on someone else…"

The guilt of realizing what I've been feeling washes over me and I stare at the sake in my cup with wide eyes. I hear a soft snore and look up to see that you have fallen asleep, the tails of your bandana fluttering with each breath you take. I swallow hard and choke back the last of the sake.

And I was wrong, because you remembered everything.

_I must not fall in love._

_I must not fall in love._

_I must not fall in love._

You left.

You're a wanted man now and you didn't want to put the rest of us in a bad position. Oh Sano, I'd been in worse. But you insisted that you leave, that it would be good for you to be on the open water. You had so little to pack that it didn't seem like you'd be gone long.

But that wasn't the case. You reassured us of that as you bid the others goodbye at the docks, ruffling Yahiko's hair and even bending to give Miss Kaoru a hug. 'One last drink,' you had said to me, and lead me away from the others. We never even made it to the bars.

It was our first time, and it was hurried and heady and perfect. You held me pressed up against a wall in one of the many back alleys, my legs wrapped around your waist and my hands skittering along your shoulders and chest. My hakama and your 'aku' jacket had been thrown to the side and you were leaving kisses and love bites along my neck. The world around us was bustling with sound, but all I heard was our quick breaths. You claimed my lips hungrily and I didn't bother to resist, pulling you closer to me and leaving scratches down your back. I'd never done this before, hadn't known about the pain, but that made it all the more better and I bit my lip to keep from screaming my bliss.

"I'll come back for you… as soon as I can. I'll come back and it will be just the two of us. I promise."

You whispered this in my ear as I tried to catch my breath, kissing my sweaty hair as I clung to you. There were no tickling caresses, no drawn out confessions of love that would make poets blush. That wasn't your style. You just made your promise and I accepted with a nod. Then we kissed deeply, untangled ourselves and dressed in a comfortable silence. When you walked along the plank onto the ship, you gave me a backward glance and a smile, then turned and disappeared into the crowd of crewmen, leaving me weak and wanting.

I watched as the ship pulled out of port until I could no longer see it on the horizon, then turned and walked back to the dojo, all the while thinking about what we had done. My knees were trembling and my hands shook, but I knew what I had to do. I had to wait for you. I hardly noticed that I was back through the gates until Miss Kaoru's voice brought me back to reality.

"Kenshin, your lip is bleeding."

_I'm stumbling._

The first week I knew you would not return, but I still glanced at the front gate every time I walked by. One time I had stared at it as I walked by with the laundry, only to trip on the water bucket and fall flat on my face, the dojo's linens floating down to cover me. Yahiko was rolling on the ground laughing and even Miss Kaoru gave a giggle. I had scraped my chin pretty bad though, and twisted my left wrist when I went to break my fall.

But it's nothing compared to the painful joy of falling for you.

_I'm fumbling._

I always hold your image with me. Despite the fact that the weeks have turned to months and now a year I see you clear as day, your eyes holding mine, lips brushing. The way your chocolate hair caught the sun. The way that crimson bandana fluttered in the breeze. Time passes and though some memories are beginning to fade, you are so clear to me.

I wonder what it is you're doing now. Are you still on the ship, or have you ventured onto more solid ground? It's like a game to me, trying to picture where you are, what you're doing and who you've met. Sometimes the dark image of you in a cell worms its way into my mind, but I can't bear it so I imagine you in far off places like India, with sandy dunes and exotic spices. Or perhaps South America, with wild animals in jungles and beautiful women performing fast dances. I always feel a pang of jealousy when I picture this, picture you being entranced by a bronze-bodied temptress. You said you'd come back to me, don't break your promise. Don't let their sensual language bewitch you.

I imagine you learning those languages, coming back to me and whispering them in my ear. I imagine the taste of those spices on your skin. Always exotic and mysterious. Just like you. I can't see you in some place like Britain or France, so formal with dark streets and formal people. You belong in the wild.

I still glance at the gates, though not as often.

_I'm falling._

I married Miss Kaoru.

If only to stop her constant begging for me, I married her. She'd always had eyes for me, and as far as she knows she has me. She does, the physical at least. Everything else I keep locked away, deep inside, waiting for your return. It's true what I had said that night, about loving her, but as a sister. No, it's you I'm in love with. At the ceremony I imagined it was you sitting next to me. I was so nervous, so horrified at what I was doing that I nearly dropped the cup of sake into poor Miss Kaoru's lap.

The wedding night was worse.

Being with Miss Kaoru was nothing like it was with you. With you, it was raw and surprising. We didn't sugarcoat anything; we just let our emotions out in passionate movements and wanton moans. It was slightly primal, just a step above beastly, and all your strength was transferred to me. But with her there was a need to caress, to leave trails of kisses and whisper sweet nothings. And she is just too delicate, too easy to break!

So I imagined it was you, carefully, to get through it. When it was over and she was asleep, I laid awake, staring at the ceiling and wondering how this had happened. I was supposed to wait for you. I still am, but what will you say when you return and see me wed to her? And the pain it will cause her… What we had just done made my insides burn with guilt and disgust.

I barely made it outside the dojo's back door before I vomited.

_Faster and faster, towards the hard ground…_

His name is Kenji, and he's perfect.

I had been horrified to find out that Miss Kaoru was pregnant. She took it as the usual pre-fatherhood jitters, but it wasn't being a father I was nervous about. It was the image of you returning to see a child with my eyes and Miss Kaoru's nose and a mix of our hair. I imagined you seeing him and then leaving me, shoving me away when I try to explain.

But when he was born, all those images left me and all I could do was hold him and stare. He looked more like me than Miss Kaoru, but the parts that didn't most certainly did not look a part of her family. His hair is brown, almost the same shade of yours. And his bottom lip has that same sort of pouting shape. I know I shouldn't see you in a child that is half mine and half Miss Kaoru's, but I do. It makes me miss you all the more.

And Miss Kaoru must never know.

… _And you're not here to catch me._

It's been three long years since you left. Three long years of wanting and wishing and waiting.

During one of our nights where we are not too busy or too tired or struggling to get Kenji asleep, I am once again imagining you as we sleep together. It's not her I'm holding close, it's you. Those aren't her hands on my back, they're yours. Not her lips I'm kissing, they're yours. But then she does something very unexpected, very unusual for her: She reaches up and bites my neck, just below my ear, the exact same way you did the day you left and it is too much. It's too much like you.

And I moan your name by mistake.

Her hands still their trail along my sides and we pull away from each other. She stares at me with a mix of disbelief, horror, anger and hurt. For a moment I pray that she misheard me and that she will just kiss me and continue. But then her lips tighten and she knits her brow. She knows.

I spend the night in Kenji's room, listening to her cry herself to sleep.

_I'm almost at rock bottom._

I am permitted to stay at the dojo for the mere fact that I am Kenji's father. He's only two and he already knows that his parents will never love each other.

Miss Kaoru will never let me take Kenji and leave, and I would never abandon him. Besides, you said you would come back. I can't take the chance of setting off to find you, to miss your return. So I spend the days keeping to myself, making sure that the chores are done while Miss Kaoru teaches classes and keeping Kenji in line. He's taken after Yahiko when it comes to his taste for mischief, and it's almost comical when he picks up a shinai.

I wish you could see him. I wish he could meet you. I wish that you would keep your promise, come home and hold me.

There are times where I wish I could cry, where I wish I could cling to you, or even my sakabato. But both are gone now and I must not cry, I must not show how weak I am without you. I am, you know. I'm crumbling.

_Here's the final second, the crash…_

It is a cool spring day, with birds flying about and flowers pushing up through the tough earth. I am working in the vegetable garden, pulling weeds and planting seedlings for radishes. My hands are dirty and the breeze feels nice against my sweaty neck. Kenji is nearby, wandering about the garden, chasing after the birds and occasionally planting a crooked seedling. To anyone outside these walls, it would seem like the perfect day.

But Miss Kaoru and I had been fighting, and I am running through the things she had screamed at me before stomping off to the drill hall. I am a liar. I am a cheater. I am a whore. I've been called worse, but to turn and find Kenji staring at us with wide eyes and a scared expression… It made me ache inside. I wish she could understand that I couldn't help falling for you and that things could be decent for Kenji's sake.

He's such a good child despite his antics, he shouldn't see his parents fighting like this. There are days that I wish I loved his mother the way parents should, but then I feel queasy and guilty because I can't, because I love you.

My thoughts stop dead as I realize I can't hear Kenji laughing anymore. He had been just seconds ago, mumbling to the small maple, but now it was eerily silent and I look up. He isn't there. I glance around, but he isn't anywhere in sight. I don't feel panic yet, because this is one of his new favorite games and I really wish that Yahiko hadn't taught him it, but I humor him.

But after every bush and every boulder has been searched behind, I am horrified to find that he is not here. It is then that I see the gate is open and my heart drops into my stomach.

"Kenji!"

He knows that past the gate without his mother or me is forbiddon, that the carts go by far to fast and that there are strange people about. I drop the tools in my hands and run to the gate, stumbling slightly as I reach the alley. What I see makes me stop and stare, my heart jumping back up and into my throat.

Kenji is standing in the middle of the alley, staring up at a tall figure with chocolate hair and a white jacket. The figure is staring back down with a grin on his face, red bandana tickling the nape of his neck. The figure is broader than I remember, but not due to my failing memory. The figure's hair is longer too, and disheveled from travel. But the eyes glitter like they did almost four years ago and for some reason tears streak my face.

"Sanosuke…"

You look up at me and grin, raising your arms out to me.

And when I fall into them, you catch me.

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There you are, I hope you enjoy it!


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